It’s been seven months since i’ve posted something. There’s so much that went on that i’m not even going to bother going through it. Highlights:
- Lived with Liz for a few months
-Kicked Liz out
-Completely single
-Got Pinks number and got shot down
-Got Crystals number and got shot down, but am still in a good position
-Got Jessy’s number again and went through all the drama that she had for me. Shot down
So yeah, thats a pretty accurate summation. See you next year, lol
Wow, small break in the postage huh. about a full month. January was pretty hectic. Moving, working almost 60 hours a week. Covering for my brother, flirting with girls (fruitlessly now) and relationship heartaches. Okay, so that last part is a bit of an exaggeration since our relationship was a bunch of booty calls but regardless. I’ve known a girl named Pink for a while and was flirting pretty hardcore but all for naught. She’s currently dating (not in a relationship with though) some douche. What can you do. First week of Feb. down and all I can think of is whats going on in six months. nothing is, but still.
Falling into habits that I’m wanting to stay away from, nothing serious but just going back to that mentality of having those walls up. But eh, what can you do. Quitting smoking again. At six days with six cigarettes, so only one a day. Still getting hardcore nic-fixes though. So once that stops and I get used to being down at one a day I’ll be able to just stop, or at least go down to one every couple of days and THEN stop. Either way. I started to stop smoking so that I’d be able to get a date with Pink, and stopped having sex since she’s got her big V still. Extremely cute girl, very sociable, and a virgin. By choice, of course, and for religious reasons. Having this relationship with God just makes it more and more apparent how much He affects our daily lives. Anyways, I’ve got to get to work, sell some beds. Real fast I want to mention I’m getting my 7000 Queen set at the end of the month. So super excited for that.
Cheers,
Kyle
So another Christmas down, another year goes by. What have I learned this time around? Since I’m not in a manic depressive mood I think My list will be fairly positive. First and foremost: we never know when we’re going to be happy. I think this is a given. There have been times this year when I’ve sat in a bedroom with blood pouring out of my arms from the lacerations I’ve done to myself because of my situation, and times when I’ve done nothing more than just sit and envelope myself with the joy going through my body. I think I’m going to have to parrot some things here and say that when we are following God’s plan, everything starts to just click. I faced situation after situation and have always said that I was going to make it on my own. But now that I’m trying to listen to God, and just follow what all he points out to me things are just going smoother.
Second on my list of what I’ve learned this time around that I want to point out is that doing the correct thing, isn’t always the right thing. I’m in a situation now that some people may not consider the correct thing, but I’ve never felt surer of how right I am in doing exactly what I’m doing. How much of it revolves around money is quickly dwindling, but I’ve learned enough again to know that it helps facilitate. But then again, maybe it’s again because I’m merely where I’m supposed to be. I’ve apologized to Jessica for the way I treated her, and while I’m still irritated at Jordan I know that fault has been mine as well. This is when I believe that the Holy Spirit is inside of me, filling me with this righteousness and surety.
What else? I’m beginning to learn that friends are there to help, and listening to them is a good idea, but they can only go so far. The largest part of it is inside of us, and acting on that is what counts. Belief is passive, and repentance is active. Start being active in shaping our own lived instead of waiting in the same shitty scenario until it gets better. This I feel is my biggest accomplishment. Instead of just saying that I *can* make it better, and start making supposed choices to *start* making it better. These small cues are all that we get, so keep your ears open, and act on those small feelings that the big man upstairs gives us to prod us in the right direction. So, with one foot in front of the other, step after step, move toward the bright future that is planned to us. Staying humble and true to not only ourselves, but the people we care about. That last bit is my biggest lesson. He who swims alone, drowns alone.
Cheers,
And God bless.
Kyle
Get my first commission and hourly check tomorrow, about 1750 in one check. I get to look forward to about a 2500 if i hit my budget for this month in January, as well as a 1200 bonus at the end of January for hitting our yearly Unit budget. Bringing a total of 3700 for next month in one check with another 750 on top of that for a second hourly check. So whats that about 4550 for January alone. I’m finally looking forward to being able to pay off all my debt (excluding student loan) in one month. Its a feeling that makes me jump on the inside. I’ve been so happy with the way things are going, and I know I’ve got God to thank for it. It’s amazing how a simple thing like going to church impacts your life and I finally get it. The feeling when I walk through those doors is the true touch of god. Like a recharged battery, tingly and moving at the same time. I know I’ve still got a lot to do for a desirable life but I know I’m finally on track for a future I can look forward to.
Total misspelling’s 0
Cheers,
Kyle
I have to wonder at the magnificence of it. This blog is older than 1 year. My how much has happened in that time. And how little has changed. Just thinking out loud.
Only those who can love can bear to be loved. So much to envy in this race of life, those who can slow down and have found somebody to share it with. I got the job at select comfort, and I’ve learned a better job wont make me happy. That time of the year when I know I need to fight these feelings welling up inside of me. Stem the flood that pushes itself over the banks. It’s hard to fight something you’re willing to welcome with open arms.
Really small post tonight, since its far too late for a long one. Just pondering in text form, for future reference, where I belong. I’m still looking, and sometimes even amongst my closest friends I’m alienated. It pisses me off when I make a comment, easily tracked in junction with the rest of the conversation, that people who don’t want to listen will immediately take down as “stupid, pointless, and irrelevant.” Example today: We were discussing how a woman can decide to shun a man without letting him know. I followed it up by injecting the following quote. “Women may expect something they don’t ask for, and hold the right to be royally pissed off when they don’t get it.” The topic of those few minutes of conversation being women withholding information with the result of anger at somebody who has no idea the reasoning. I don’t know. Maybe I’m tooting my own horn by believing that *I’m* that much more able to follow a conversation, and have thoughts about tangents while continuing the conversation, while other’s do not. I’ve said it again and again that while what I say may sound random at first hearing, taking that split second to actually THINK about what was said can show you the light. Most of the time, the only exception being when we’re tossing around bull shit. So again, where do I belong if I’ve yet to find somebody who understands this concept of genuine conversation? Interestingly enough I just realized it’s all of the AI crowd. We’ve all been able to articulate quite well together, probably because we rarely talk about just straight bull shit. Conversations with relevance to the world around us, instead of discussion one liner’s from The Office. I miss you all immeasurably at this moment. Ciao.
So, as Thursday quickly approached I found myself completely worn out. Thursday being the rehearsal dinner I was coming off of a 60 hour, 3 day burn. There are only 72 hours in the period of time, so I had 12 hours worth of time in three days to spend doing what? Sleep. Did I? No. For my readers, if I still have you guys, you know I’m not a huge advocate of sleep. As nice as it is, it’s completely unproductive. Regardless, after another 20 hour burn I approached Thursday with apprehension. Quietly picking up my tux, which was $135 well spent, the wedding party gathered for a walk-through of how the wedding proceedings were going to…..proceed. I was walking with a beautiful young woman my age, the most startling and bright eyes I’ve seen in a long time. Danielle was her name, and was appearantly voted Hottest in our graduating class. I don’t know her last name, so that pretty much ends that. I know she’s dating a big fat fucking drunk guy who treats her like shit. It’s a shame that good guy’s always finish last, because for as fantastic as she looked and seemed as a person she was stuck with somebody discontent to treat her like the princess she deserves. Back on track.
The rehearsal dinner wasn’t the most tantalizing meal I’ve ever eaten, but it was delicious none the less. Adam said he felt a little jittery, but that was nothing as to how I’m sure he felt the next day. After that Adam didn’t want to go home (as I’m sure nobody would have) so we went and saw Shoot em’ Up. Extremely over the top, mindless action, tons of blood. But fucking awesome.
The wedding itself was preluded with haste, confusion, angst, and sadness. Haste, because I was running late having not bought Adam his gift yet, and since I’m terrible with that sort of thing so I just went with the cash route. Then I promptly sped over to the wedding site. Unfortunately I needed to meet the guys at the hotel. So there I sat, in my car, smoking up a storm waiting. They arrive car-pooled together, tuxedo’s in hand and a jittery Adam. We changed at the Majestic Oaks men’s locker room, and I will say we were a group of fucking P.I.M.P.’s. We took pictures for about an hour and a half or so, and i’m working on acquiring all of them for retouching. It was a touching ceremony, and I prayed for nothing but the best for them both (while the pastor did as well, so hopefully the big guy upstairs will make their lives together permanent). The reception was by far the biggest mixed bag of all. I drank 3 glasses of wine before we started anything, so thats probably a bad sign. It started with a touching speech made by Nicole’s dad, in which he had a hard time delivering it. It must be something to see your daughter in that position as a father. Brian made a micro speech, about how he knew Adam and how we all had his back. I delivered something from the heart, and represented the GameStop clique. Talked about how me and Adam are staying true to god and the love he has for Nicole. I was followed by Nicole’s maiden of honor, who gave a speech about how she felt meeting Adam, and then Scott came up. The best man gave a speech we could tell he’s not used to doing, talking about the love they got, etc.
Then. DEBAUCHERY! Lots of wine and MGD. Dancing. Lots of dancing. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about dancing (besides DON’T TROD ON TOES!) it’s that women love to be spun around and dipped. So I did spinning when it was proper, and dipped them all at the end of our dance. And even with a girl 5 years older than me who I did the “Stiffler Slide” for at the end of Footloose. The Stiffler Slide being what he does in the gay bar to win the dance off, except mine was straight up knee’s and pop-up baby. I danced with every woman their, and their moms. Literally. They taught me the finer points of line dancing to country and some grease, as well as the twist. Liquid courage is a dandy thing my friends. And I’m proud to say I trod on no toes. Unfortunately, you can dance for all you’re worth, comfort all the cares in the world, and bum a smoke to any misguided girl who “only smokes when they’re drunk”, but it’s all for naught when they have their boyfriends there. Regardless of how they are treated, and how little they want each other physically and emotionally, that bond is one that no young bachelor can overcome in one night. So it was with a heavy heart that when the lights came on and everybody filed out, or stumbled in most of the boyfriends cases (fucking losers), that Adam drove the few of the wedding party back to the hotel. We had skipped the last shuttle in order to dance more. Reminding me of a funny fucking time on the dance floor in which Adam gave me a piggy back ride with me slapping his ass to get him hustling. But by 1am and me drunk as shit (but still standing) I was checked into my suite all alone, to fall asleep feeling that little thing inside us all who lack it scream for constant companionship.
Marriage is something to be harnessed, nurtured, and encouraged. I never thought I’d say that phrase until I saw how happy Adam was looking at Nicole. And it’s something I wasn’t sure existed as a desire inside myself until standing in formation with my friends all around me, and another on the altar. It’s with confidence that I know Adam will have a happy life with Nicole. And if either ever starts to doubt, that I can do something, anything, to assuage their fears and worries. And maybe that will let me prove to myself, that someday I’ll be worthy of that kind of love.
So I was reading an article about 9/11 commemorations and how the national ‘give a shit’ feeling ebbs and flows. It’s practical to make a point of remembrance as far as the day goes, but I don’t think that its likely to be forgotten at all. With that point in mind, do we really need all the same shit that happens every year? It’s one thing to hold a ceremony to give a small, small mind you, comfort to the directly affect of such a tragic accident. But its another thing entirely to hold a ceremony for the sake of holding a ceremony. Is it more disrespectful to do something in commemoration without thought, out of habit, than it is to do nothing at all? The article I read brings up the point of ‘after six years, why isn’t a moment of silence enough’. Moving back to forgetting a day, I think whoever names these disasters, insofar as how the nation remembers them deserves a medal as far as 9/11 goes. They named the day, after the day. How many kids my age remember what day the kennedy assassination was? how many kids remember what day auschwitz was liberated? How many kids remember what day the American’s joined WWI? How many kids remember the day of columbine? Everybody, no matter how old, will remember the day that our nations largest crisis occured on. 9/11. Its like new years day, impossible to forget. What day is new years? the first day of the new year, january 1st. What day is 9/11? Fuck you.
However tangents aside the real meaning behind this blog is not of criticism, my sympathies and sorrows for everyone affected by it (despite the fact I was high as a kite when it was happening) and that has had to deal with it, even now six years later. However, I think the rest of us are bored by it. Yes, bored. The people who watched it on T.V, heard it on the radio, read it in the paper, these people don’t care about what happened six years ago now. How can they? Most of todays human beings have the attention span of a fucking Tucan. I’m sure a lot of people mirror my idea of “yeah, it happened. yeah, it was tragic. we good yet?”. The small population of those affected by it are slandering the rest of us into feeling sorry for them by saying “you didn’t have to deal with the pain!!!!!”. Fuck you whore, you’re pain is your business, and we all have plenty of our own pain to go around. Don’t tell us to feel sorry for you when we are having troubles feeding ourselves on a daily basis (our KIDS also), or are having self destructive drug issues, or who have to turn to gang violence to stave off execution themselves. Fuck you for thinking that your pain is so much more unbearable than ours because yours was on fucking T.V.
That having been said, I think that the personal grievances that the affected need go through should stay just that: personal. However long or short a person needs to get over the issue relies solely on the person, simply because no two tucan’s have the same stripes. Maybe our society does get a little wierded out as far as public sorrow goes, but is that a bad thing? How can our leaders, who have very little to worry about themselves, possibly be able to tell us how good or bad we’re doing at coping? Which is why I find it strange that when you hear about the war on terror our ELECTED OFFICIALS, who make six figure incomes and get to do mostly whatever they want, try to say our enemy is evil. An enemy who might make six dollars, not an hour, but a fucking WEEK. So, the topic of this paragraph is that maybe the only thing our leaders CAN’T convince us, is that they “know how we’re feeling”.
I think that covers the majority. Or as Forest Gump would say:
“And that’s all I got to say about that.”
–Kyle
I came to the conclusion that empathy is a double edged double negative. To explain: Empathy puts us in others’ shoes, and it helps us A. communicate on a relatable (sp?) level, B. helps us form conclusions based on a persons actions, history, and present circumstance, and C. pisses me off. C is a fun one for me sometimes. Because empathy is not a retroactive tool for communication, it makes you realize how much dwelling a person can do on conversation. Which is why, when i utilize my empathy to be able to relate to people in what their woes may be, and/or communicate in a *genuine* conversation (one person talks, you listen, and talk about what they talked about, forming cohesive topics enjoyable to all parties involved and the progression of the topic itself) I realize i get pissed off at people who don’t employ the skill. For example: I have worked 40 hours in the last 4 days, ending at 55 hours in a 5 day pay cycle. My own situation is thus; I am tired, cranky, and frankly pissed off at everybody for everything because i’m maintaining a household, a social life, a relationship (which still has much to be desired on the visitation periods), and a hard working employment. To compare (and i’m going to use the motivation behind this blog, as well as most of my pissiness) with jordan. He’s worked 30 hours in 7 days, spent all of his week either at work for his short times, or with jessica (relationship envy? only as far as that he gets to see his girlfriend daily) and has neglected his friendships (which i am reluctant to use the word, since he barely has any now) and the household we share. So as far as empathy goes on his part, fully knowing my distaste for his conversation, and more so for his company, my exhaustion physically and mentally, why the FUCK would i want to help him get furniture from his relatives, and move it into the barren living room we currently rent.
When i say barren, i mean it. He has been completely secular from interaction due to the aforementioned girlfriend, or out of our mutual dislike. So using our empathy the first thing to count on if we were to put ourselves into his shoes would be: Kyle is A. a bastard who hates the love of my life, and B. probably not in the mood to assisst me in any venture i deem worthy of pursuit. So why the FUCK would he get mad at me for not caring to assist in heavy lifting of furniture we’re not going to use, into a room the only occupant is usually myself and not the furnitures owner, and that he’s going to take the second we can get the fuck away from each other? Lack of empathy is the answer. He does not see the work schedule because he is with jessica. He does not know the workload i go through on a daily basis that leaves me blistered, sore, bloody (which suprised me the first time i gashed myself on a fucking TMD), and grime covered because we don’t communicate, due to the lack of communication. This is why Empathy is a double negative and double edged. The second we use our own empathy and realize the recipient is lacking, we take ourselves out of their shoes and get pissed off, defeating the purpose of its use. Retroactively, of course, since we rarely have time to dwell in the moment on what is being said, done, etc. So the only time empathy can be a tool of value is when you are dealing with two people employing the skill and the harmony of mankind emanates from its ass.
So, when i put myself into jordans shoes out of empathy, i figure he’s stressed from being torn between his oldest friend (he threw away 10 years history by choosing jessica over our friendship), his social life (since he doesnt hang out with all of us anymore because of jessica), and the fact his sister is currently being incarcerated into another federal prison for assaulting multiple police officers with a stolen car. So what do I do out of my empathy, i help him move his fucking furniture into the fucking living room, and have him say “Took your sweet fucking time” while storming out the door. Hmm, your fucking welcome. It is moments like this when i feel justified in thinking, hating, and doing things to generally push his buttons. Because while i may say something to get him a little huffy and puffy (jordan I’m canceling my reserves at your store because i dont have a 360 anymore) i still at least TRY to salvage some form of a passable friendship. And really, i give him far less shit now than i used to simply because we dont even talk to each other any more. So when Nick is telling me “i’m ready to either walk out on him during the middle of a busy day, or call bill and get him fired because of all the shit he does” i say go right ahead. He has burned every bridge he has for this girl, and when he moves out (she’s most likely goign to live with him if their relationship persists) and when they break up, only then in retrospect will he realize his folly. It almost puts an ear to ear grin on my face. Because I have been a better friend to him than he’s ever fucking realized, and not until all this is over and done (our friendship and living arrangement specifically) will there be some hope of him understanding.
